ok, sunflowers

hey

this was supposed to be my third entry. well actually more than three. because in my head i had a couple more entries but hasnt had the right state of mind to publish anything. i already have written the second entry and scheduled it to publish on Aug, 13th but i dont know what happened. im sincerely sorry. if anyone was waiting for an update (i doubt anyone would but lets just pretend to), i’ll try to mention everything in here.

basically in august i was a complete mess. stopped going to classes because i really couldnt take it anymore and so i tried contacting my psychologist. we talked a bit but at one point she stopped replying to me… so i just didnt want to bother her anymore. when i was still going to classes, i told my lecturer about this whole thing. i was really wrong to trust her so easily. its not that she has done something bad about it, its just that i dont want a lot of people to know about me like that. i feel like i tell everyone i come across with about this downfall of my life. its like im trying to become an open book but knowing damn well this book doesnt want to be read. you know what i mean? so anyway a couple of weeks after i stopped attending college, i guess the management called my parents to inform so and they probably arranged a meeting to discuss about me. and the principal agreed to give me a few months off. basically thats the only thing my parents told me about what theyve discussed.

fast forward to this second, September so far has been so good to me. i am feeling a lot better than before. although i dont want to jinx it whew. and i have this thought, long ago and still stand for it today. okay the thought is i want to admit myself into a psychiatry ward. call me crazy but i want it. i want to try to be there. see if it can make me better. see, my parents doesnt want this to be in my medical records. and i understand because i couldnt get into college or get a job if this is in it. but i’ve experimented myself. i experimented how i am when im on medicine, and when im off. truth be told, ITS JUST THE SAME. sure, being on medicine makes my mood stabilised but only for a short while. you see, my goal is THAT IT ENDS. ive been with this for too long. i cant stand it anymore. excuse all my negative sayings but these are what i think so. my point is, if it wont get better, might as well just be in a psychiatry ward. i wont be expected to do anything there. if i stayed at home i feel pressured to do something everyday. and going out makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like im being watched. I feel paranoid most of the time, it feels unreal. anyway being in a psychiatry ward makes it more convenient to talk to a psychiatric/psychologist. i havent suggest this to my parents yet, so wish me luck when i do xx.

nonetheless, lets focus on positive things i did this month shall we. lately ive been making art. and planning to start on making monthly public playlist on Spotify. i organised my apartment room. and quite recently i decide to follow my parents to stay at a hotel (my mom had a conference thingy) and yea during that i got out of my bubble and did something productive and pushed myself to talk more with my parents and see strangers around me. not going to lie, at some point i did have a mental breakdown. im not sure how but ive been really good at hiding it. oh and one morning, i had breakfast at the buffet the hotels usually have with my dad and when we finished eating, my dad read his newspaper and i read my book. im reading Sad Girls by Lang Leav right now. im a slow reader btw because im always distracted with my own thoughts when reading. and i havent even reached 30 pages. yes im THAT bad and to add, i had the book since i dont know, 3 months now? the point is having that reading time made me feel really calm and collected and i dont know just feel my life going in a slow, assuring pace. like everything is fine and not going downhill for once.

however, this happiness that decides to be beside me this month, would not endure itself if i ever go back to college. thats why i feel like dropping out. fuck foundation. i’ll just get my degree via online. i think thats possible, right? its really easier if i stay at home. i cant stand college anymore. i know some people wouldnt agree and feel like im privileged for having the chance to have education but wanting to throw it down in the drain. i mean i know what im doing is ungrateful but when its bothering my brain, and i cant go to it without having a mental breakdown then i guess i better not? i really would want to know Sunflowers thoughts, leave them down if you want 😀

y.z.