We arrived into our hotel on 1/10 evening, they have this old hotel kind of concept. Im not sure if it is an old hotel or if they just use that concept. Anyhow last night I was super hyped to go sightseeing the next day, I prepared my outfit real nice. I had a whole ass schedule for the 4 days we’re here. Yes Im that type of tourist. So initially today, we’re supposed to go shopping. Tomorrow, go visit a mountain site I think (?) but then Im not sure why I couldnt wake up in the morning. Its like my mind is awake, Im aware of my parents talking to me and asking me to wake up but my eyes and body does no justice. So I think my mind gave up on my body and said fuck it, just sleep some more. So I did. At like 3 in the afternoon probably, my mind woke up. Thankfully my eyes too, but body? Dead asleep. Its not that I couldn’t move a muscle its just that I didnt have or didnt create the energy to get up and out of bed. Its very common for a beginning of MY depressive episode. And at that time I heard my mom went “ARGHHH IM SO BORED!!” and talking to herself about it and I thought to myself, why didn’t you just go anywhere. Im a big girl just leave me. But most part of myself feels super duper guilty for not being able to wake up. My depression burdens people. A lot of the time. I woke up, got into the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth. The works. And I was feeling completely guilty and sad. I got out of the bathroom and sat on my bed again. I didnt talk to my mom bcs i feared she was going to be extremely mad at me. But she didnt say anything. Which made me more uncomfortable..
So right now my mom and dad are going to dinner with my dad’s colleagues. I didn’t wanna go bcs i know how it’ll turn out. My feelings I mean. Whenever I feel a high level of guilt and sadness, then I go out and meet people, I will feel paranoid and feel like people know what wrong I’ve done. :(( so I tend to avoid that.
Also, I realised I’ve been switching my outro too much haha. the first one was ‘xoxo, y.z.’ Then just ‘y.z.’ and the quite recent one is ‘xx, yz.’ Honestly I started ‘xoxo yz’ bcs of Gossip Girl haha (if you watch gossip girl pls be my friend) and then I guess I got lazier with the outro haha but to me right now, ‘xx,yz’ is funny and Im totally going to keep using that so…..
xx,
YZ.
Strength for me and you , 